In the past I was mostly copying others. Observing them, trying to find out what they were up to, what they wanted or needed so I could do the same thing.
I looked outside and tried to internalize it.
I was failing. This actually contributed greatly to my insecurity and my self hatred.

Now I am taking myself by the hand: ‘what do you want to do, Marielle?’
And I listen.

From that point my fear is over, I have connected with myself and with that connection I access the universe.
I had no idea that it was so simple.
I am letting go of the circus of all these outside events and I enjoy my own company

Last weekend I went camping and I slept in a hammock and I made my own fire. I kept on smiling because it was exactly what I wanted to do and I was doing it!

Much love,
Marielle

Love.

“Healing is the result of using the body SOLELY for communication.”
-A Course in Miracles

Being nice to yourself. Allowing joy to pour through you. Having a relationship with God. Taking care of yourself. Playing. Nurturing. Remembering you are child of God. Doing work you love. Having fun. Listening. Being gentle. Taking baby steps.

To think thoughts like:

I AM A CHANNEL FOR GOD’S LOVE, PEACE AND JOY.

It Matters Totally is 40 Day Program to heal food addiction once and for all.

To get started, click here:

http://www.itmatterstotally.com/40dayhealing/

You are whole and perfect just the way you are. It’s time to start living.

Today I am so aware of the change that happened to me in this program to heal food addiction because I am happy.
I laugh when things go wrong.

My mum is here and I want to take care of her. But the sky is cold and grey, And my daughter has a bad cough and I feel under the weather…..The shop that we want to visit is not open.
And here I am and I see the humor in it.
Every moment takes care of it self and instead of holding on, I let go.

My mum is visiting me from Holland and I am myself.
I am proud of her because I am supportive of myself.
There are all these beautiful moments together, that are purely given and I receive.

My mum, my daughter and me sitting in the big motel room bed watching a movie.
My mum taking one of my Yoga classes.
Us going shopping and showing each other our new clothes.
Sitting on a bench at the playground, watching my daughter play and talking about family.

I remember how painful it was to be around family. How much I wanted to fix everything.
Now I am free to play.
Awesome!

Much love,
Marielle

STOP TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN.

Just relax and rest, and stop fighting.

Start being nice to yourself.

Start focusing more on God and less on your problems.

Stop with the self-hatred, and with the idea that you think you’d somehow be better off if things were different.

RELAX.

You are exactly where you are supposed to be and it’s perfect.

If something is meant to be, it will happen.

That’s my whole advice and how it worked for me. I had been trying to quit drinking actively for about 5 years, and I would “successfully” quit only to be right back at it again within a month. Every time I quit I’d make huge loud declarations with an attitude of “look at me!” and “isn’t it wonderful??” and this would work for a while, until one day something would happen (an unexpected bill, an angry encounter with someone, something upsetting) and I’d be back in the liquor store or buying a pack of cigarettes.

This kind of behavior went on for about 5 years from 1996 (when I first realized that my social drinking was IN FACT a huge problem and not just a fun past-time) until 2001 when I absolutely and utterly surrendered to the fact that I was going to grow old, lonely and always be a smoker and drinker. I accepted it as my destiny and decided I was done with trying to quit. I was just going to live my life, and accept things as they were.

I had tried everything to change, and nothing had worked.

So I surrendered completely. It was not even as an attempt that maybe in my surrendering I would be miraculously healed of alcoholism. That kind of thinking was not there at all anymore. I was no longer playing mind-tricks with myself. I decided that I would stop feeling guilty for drinking and smoking, and just accept that THIS IS MY LIFE.

I’d tried quitting about 500 times and every new attempt to “try again” just made me feel stupid. How many times was I going to try something that had failed 500 times before??

I came to the realization there was NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT.

Just let go.

I had tried everything, and there was nothing I could do.

So I started to relax.

At first, it felt like ABSOLUTE DEFEAT to admit that all my attempts had failed, and that I was a failure.
I thought I could accomplish anything I put my mind to, but I was wrong. I was not going to go for 501 times because I knew where that path led.

But then it felt like FREEDOM to know that I was done with fighting, done with trying, done with huge declarations, done with the self-righteous pride that always went along with the idea that I had “succeeded” with quitting, as if I deserved some kind of prize or recognition.

I accepted myself as I was, without trying to change or improve anything. I said: I’m a drinker and a smoker AND THAT’S OKAY.

Shortly after that I went on a 30-day spiritual retreat and the rules were no drinking, no smoking and no eating meat. I accepted the rules because I had quit drinking and smoking for a month before and so I knew it was not going to be a problem for me, and that I could pick it back up when I left, no problem.

But I never picked it back up again.

During those 30-days, the whole desire to drink or smoke disappeared completely. I didn’t have a single craving. There was no struggle at all. I realized later that not even once did I think about drinking or smoking. It was as if someone deleted a button in my brain that had previously given me cravings. That was over 10 years ago.

I do remember a turning point – at this spiritual retreat was a teacher called the Master Teacher and in the first couple of days, he came barreling across the room to me and shouted to me, about me: THIS ONE SEDATES!!!!!!!!

It shocked me to my core to hear it in those terms. THIS ONE SEDATES.

I never thought of it like that before, that I had been actively harming myself, sedating myself, drugging myself, using substances to calm myself down.

After that, I never once had the desire to drink – the same way I don’t have a desire to drink the Clorox that’s in the cupboard in the laundry room. It’s there but under absolutely no circumstances would I ever dream of drinking it. I wouldn’t harm myself in that way.

And since then I’ve used this method to “quit” all sorts of things – gossiping, food addiction, self-hatred, blame, and guilt.
I stopped trying.

I started accepting myself wholly without trying to change or improve anything, giving myself over to THE GREAT UNFAILING POWER that is GOD.

If something is not serving me or Him, I let Him take care of it for me.
In the meantime, I don’t worry about it.

This has worked for me.

I give everything to God and let Him take care of it.

If it’s meant to be, it will be – and I don’t have to spend a single second trying to figure out how it will be accomplished.

If it’s meant to be, HE WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.

And that is how I live my life now.

Marielle and I offer a 40-Day Online Program to heal food addiction that follows exactly this path: BEING NICE TO YOURSELF and START LIVING YOUR LIFE. You can sign up here to get started: http://www.itmatterstotally.com/40dayhealing/

Being gentle is something that brings me to my heart immediately.
It is the one quality that I am so hungry for and did not practice because I was paying of some huge debt of default in myself my whole life.

Today is the day where I let myself be in gentleness.
The day in which I fully support my needs for love, acceptance and nurturing.

I hear myself say: “if I am gentle, If I let myself rest, nothing gets done. I have to push myself at least a little bit.”
It is my resistance to gentleness.
I will do anything to avoid this moment of total trust in myself.

Today I practice gentleness.

No excuses. I am there for me.
My critical voice will remind myself that I have a lot to do and that it has to be finished today. I don’t care. I am there for me.
But what about my daughter, my finances, my paper work, my studies….?! It does not matter, I made a decision to be there for me.

And the little, innocent child in me is smiling big.
It feels like the universe is finally my place to rest in and to play.
I start feeling excited about my life, my freedom to be who I am without having to survive, to reject myself or to be some one else.

It is a whole new approach to life.
Being in communication with the heart of life: gentleness.

This weekend I visited a modern art museum in Minneapolis and I was so touched by the way the artists let themselves be gentle.
How their art reflected their experiences with life and how sensitive and free they let themselves be.
Life is so beautiful and it needs my eyes and my heart to receive it.
Than I see again how the little lemon soap in the bathroom is my sign of gentleness, how these little gestures show me the way to heaven.
Listening to my voice: buy a little lemon soap.
What has that to do with anything?
Everything: this little soap shows me what my life is about and helps me to be free and loving.
Baby steps.
Gentleness.
Much love.

Marielle

Exercise #2: Sit in your place and enjoy it. Slow down. Stop rushing. Relax. There is a place in your mind where true communication happens, a place where you can be inspired. Know. Listen. Talk. Ask. Know that you are in the Presence of God. Your requests are being heard and answered.

Exercise #3: Get calm. Breathe. Listen, and then set aside 30 minutes to write in your journal. Write freely, fast and leisurely. You might even want to write on loose paper so you can throw these pages away when you are done.

Exercise #4: Look at what you’ve written. Which parts are ego (your addiction that beats you up and tells you how horrible you are) and which parts are the Holy Spirit? Are there any hidden clues or revealed secrets for you?